Nano-Aggressions
Shortly after
the discovery of Mirco-Aggressions in the early 1990’s a group of Far-Left
Social Justice theoreticians predicted the existence of elusive Nano-Aggressions,
which they defined as 1/1000 of a Micro-Aggression. Because of their anticipated
extremely small extension in multi-dimensional Aggression-Space, Nano-Aggressions,
if they did exist, would be expected to behave according to the strange laws of
Quantum Mechanics.
This implies
that the putative Nano-Aggressions:
- Could tunnel through walls
- Could be in multiples places at
the same time
- Would be indeterminate until
measured
- Could be non-local and entangled
with other Nano-Aggressions anywhere in the Universe
In addition,
it is speculated that Nano-Aggressions were force carrying particles with spin
zero. This would mean that they would be bosons and would not obey the Pauli
exclusion principle, in which case any number of Nano-Aggressions could occupy
the same quantum state and could result in cumulative Nano-Aggression beams of
high amplitude.
Conclusive
proof of the existence of Nano-Aggressions was lacking in 1990’s. The only
“evidence” at the time for their existence were reports of occasional
detection by a very small numbers of the most sensitive Social Justice
Warriors. These reports were, however, never confirmed under controlled
laboratory conditions and critics attributed the reports to detector
error.
Because of the
extreme sociological and legal importance of the supposed Nano-Aggressions,
research on their existence has been well funded by the federal government and
by special interest NGOs for decades. This has recently resulted in the
successful experimental detection of Nano-Aggressions by two independent
groups.
A Japanese
group at the University of Tokyo has recently reported positive results from
the most sensitive test for Nano-Aggressions yet performed. The experiment
was performed in an abandoned, mile-deep, underground salt mine shielded with
two-feet of solid lead walls to block surface Micro-Aggressions, which would
otherwise overload their sensors. The detection chamber was filled with the
most sensitive sensors available … very far-left Social Justice Warriors. As
soon as a critical mass of detectors were in place the observation of
Nano-Aggressions was immediate! So many of these, previously only hypothesized,
Nano-Aggression particles were detected that the experiment had to be aborted
moments after it began for fear of a massive sensor meltdown. The sensors were
hurriedly provided with Nano-Aggression canceling headphones that soothed the
detectors by playing the song “Feelings” by Barry Manilow.
A second
study, carried out by the prestigious New York Times, reported the detection of
a Nano-Aggression by quoting, out of context, an anonymous source who thinks
they might have heard a Nano-Aggression while they were on the subway. The New
York Times editorial board wrote that, “Substantiation by a second
anonymous source will prove beyond any doubt the existence of
Nano-Aggressions”.
With this
proof of the existence of Nano-Aggressions, the search for Pico-Aggressions has
begun. A Pico-Aggression is 1/1000 of a Nano-Aggression and their detection
will require the development of completely new technology since
Pico-Aggressions are theorized to exist only at temperatures close to absolute
zero. Funding has already been approved by the United Nations for both the
Japanese and the New York Times research efforts. The funds were obtained by
diverting financial resources from the Children’s Cholera Prevention program.
Upon hearing
the news of the proof of the existence of Nano-Aggressions, leading theorists
in Quantum Aggression Research went so far as to predict the existence of
Plank-Scale-Aggressions. These aggressions are predicted to be the smallest
aggressions possible within the constraints of the known laws of physics.
Current theory predicts that Plank-Scale-Aggressions can only exist at the
very center of Massively Delusional Black Holes.
Full
Disclosure: The author of this article received funding from The Institute for
the Preservation of Sanity and Common Sense.